Semantic satiation is when you repeat something so much that it does not mean anything. Choice, choice, choice, choice…I chose to study science for my +2, chose to take up biology, and chose to study medicine. I then chose to do USMLE. I chose internal medicine and arrived in the first half of my second year. What fellowship do I want to apply to? As I chose HemeOnc, I realized I had semantic satiation for this word. Thus started the journey of my search for one true choice.
It all began in a wooden two-story home in a small town in Jhapa. While teaching me to read wall clocks and books that were out of course, Byash uncle gave me glimpses of the world of knowledge and understanding. He is the reason I wondered about the equation Force (F) = Mass (M) times Acceleration (a). “If force is directly proportional to mass and acceleration, why must we multiply them? Why not add them together?", he would ask me. The answer is beyond me and the point I am trying to make here. But the fact that an eighth grader was thinking about that while walking to school on the streets of Damak defines an excellent teacher. I fell in love with logic and reasoning very early on. That, plus being bad at sports, is a recipe to make a hardworking student. And hence, I was brewed.
It is funny how the subjects reveal their hierarchy as you go up in grades. Maths starts as the top tire subject in the school. Probably because good at maths equals brainy? It remains so until grade 10. Physics, Chemistry, and maybe Biology take the crown in grade 11. I guess that is why we call it +2 science. Then, they diverge and start their separate lines. The only way everyone can be no. 1.
Mr. C was a maths teacher who taught me what differentials mean. He also broke the news that mathematics wouldn't be our priority-list-one-subject in grade 11. One fine evening, Mr. C told the class, "The real reason you are studying +2 science isn't to understand science at all. That is a collateral damage. The real reason you are going through this course is to build the confidence that if you ever start a tea shop, you will serve the best tea in the neighborhood! That dedication is what I want you to learn here."
Mr. S was my biology teacher. Students who graduate from grade 11 are asked to choose between mathematics and biology in grade 12. A prevalent and a very wrong notion is that lazy students choose maths because it is not maths they are choosing but a good riddance to biology. You can always choose both and be mediocre at maths. "Well, you are among the mischiefs. You'd probably choose maths, correct?" asked Mr. S. "No, I want to do biology," I replied almost instantaneously. "And…extra maths!" I added. Most of them were leaving biology behind.
If you study biology and are an okayish student, you join NAME, an institute to prepare you for medical entrance exam. That is where the "real" studying is done—a load of crap, but a story for another day. I joined NAME and tried my hands at the medical entrance. The thing about trying is that if you keep at it, you somehow get through.
Hello, PAHS-SOM. I fell in love with medicine while in medical school. Either I was fortunate, or the nature of falling in love with what you do is such that you start loving whatever you keep doing. A teaching assistant who had just graduated from KUSMS, another medical school in Nepal, said something along the lines of—you need to know the why of everything in medicine because that is what is tested in the USMLE. I was more interested in the "what" side of things. "What is USMLE?" I asked. And the rest is history.
I chose not to apply to HemeOnc. The second-year resident I was two years back felt like this was the only time he was making a real choice. Going to school, studying decently, joining a science college, choosing biology, getting into medical school, and even doing USMLE were no real choices, but I kept choosing. School—I was too small to say no. I was studying decently because I had to get good at something. Science is what you study if you are a decent student in Nepal. Biology, thanks to Mr. S’s remarks. I went to med school because that is what you do if you are a good biology student. USMLE because the teaching assistant told me that is what you do, if you can, after medicine.
I chose to be a hospitalist. I choose to be a damn good one and am working on myself to get there one day. I was offered an APD position and chose to take it—definitely a story for some other day. But as I reflect on my choosing not to apply for a fellowship: I wonder if choosing not to do something is a real choice. But then again, choosing is a present continuous tense. For now, I like it here. As the word "choice" reveals its true meaning, I choose to see where life takes me.